pain

Ahhh…..Facade. Sadly, we must part.

[00:12:49.06] A.J.: ……we lie to ourselves; we lie to others; we present a lie. Quite frequently you’re feeling, inside, one thing but you say another thing to a person. Frequently, that happens……. Somebody comes up and asks you ‘are you doing this or are you doing that?’ You assess whether you might get attacked; or you might get abused; or you might get whatever saying what you really want to say, and so you don’t say it. Right? It’s presenting a lie to others. The facade justifies lies constantly…..It’s willing to kill for itself. You’re harming people every single moment of the day, even, for the protection of this facade. Because the terror and the pain, the false belief that you can’t cope with both of those things, just causes you to feel that lieing is justified.

Excerpt from “Developing my loving self” seminar

IN THE SHADOWS

In the shadows of my life
I see wisdom shining through
Hidden deep inside me
Just like there is in you

This wisdom can remind me
Of all the things that I am
All the things that excite me
All the things that I can

I can decide my future
I can love and appreciate
I can deeply and completely
Enjoy everything that’s great

Like breathing and relaxing
In my comfy bed at night
Like revelling in my playground
The streets paved with life
Like having love surround me
My friends and family
Like everything I ask for
Coming surely as can be

I work and I worry
I wonder and I think
I exercise my free will
And sometimes I forget to blink

Blinking for a moment
Is what brings me clarity
Making everything So clear
It seems like charity

In the shadow of my life
Lurks the answers that are best
If I listen and be still
I’ll get the blueprint to my quest

‘In the Shadows’ by Gail Single

Desire for God

Extract from a discussion at the book group of Through The Mists – chapter 11. Part one of full discussion

[01:07:50.03] Audience: (Teresa) That brings me to a question I had about that chapter. About my motivation for seeking God. This is something I’ve thought about before; and I thought : does it matter if the only reason I’m looking for God is so I don’t hurt anymore; or is it I can use it to be more, I don’t know, have more pure desire? Does it matter if it’s just to get out of the pain?

 

[01:11:12.15] Mary: Very much so. You’re wanting from God – as lots of you pointed out, very eloquently – you know, there’s an addiction, actually, you’re wanting to set up with God. And it will backfire (laughter). You’re not going to get far before God’s going to want to confront you with : It’s not going to work, my daughter; you’re going to actually embrace pain in order to grow. What do you feel about that?

(conversation picks up a bit later)

[01:11:41.16] Audience: (Teresa) I feel, and I’m getting rid of that feeling of pain, but it still feels like that’s the driving force behind it; just to be happy; and I’m not sure of the pureness of that desire – maybe not so much to get out of pain, but to just be happy, is that…..

 

[01:12:04.09] Mary: Yeah. Can I put to you a different desire? Rather than desiring to be happy, could you desire to be whole? Could you desire to be all of Teresa? Whether that’s painful or pleasurable or joyful or fearful; and whether that takes you in a direction that you never have gone before. Down a path of desire of creativity that you never thought would ever be a part of you. That’s the sort of thing… that’s the desires we’re going to have if we’re going to have a relationship with God. This feeling that : I’m going to trust you, God; and I’m going to desire to not only know you but to know me. Both desires we really need if we’re going to grow towards God. And right now, me is not that happy; or happy sometimes, but there’s sadness sometimes. And, yes, it’s true, when we really grow in this relationship with God, sadness will be a thing of the past. So, it’s not bad to want joy, you know, it’s not. But if that’s your only….for example, if you want to be happy without being whole, it’s impossible in a true sense. By using the word ‘whole’ I mean to really know yourself; to really embrace everything that’s in you right now, but also the potentials of things, the great things that are in you. You have to be willing to face your fear of those things. You’re not going to have a desire for them : Yep, I’ve got that, you know, because otherwise you’d already be experiencing them. So there’s going to be fears to face as we do that, to embrace everything that’s within us now; and everything that we have the potential to be, that’s also scary sometimes. Yeah. But that’s the kind of desire that will carry you very close to God. So, I agree with what the girls said about being real with where you’re at, and just engaging God in that right now and saying : look, this is what I feel right now. Can you give me truth about this. Can you show me how this is going to work and be beautiful. But I don’t think you’re alone in that feeling, Teresa. I think a lot of people feel that it would just be good to be out of pain; and feeling like there’s a lot of pain. But as we develop humility, we’ll develop the willingness to not only experience the pain, but just experience what God is bringing to us. You know. Good question.